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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23606407">pistol whipped</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tupipsie/pseuds/Tupipsie'>Tupipsie</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>NCT (Band)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, I Tried, Johnny and Doyoung have a rocky start, M/M, kinda rushed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-12</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 15:07:09</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>5,079</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23606407</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tupipsie/pseuds/Tupipsie</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Doyoung doesn't have the most conventional job, and as time progresses, his demons begin to catch up to him. Enter Johnny, who works for the secret service and tracks Doyoung down. An unlikely partnership occurs, but Doyoung's own sins continuously tear him down as Johnny desperately tries to pick up the pieces.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Suh Youngho | Johnny</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>50</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>pistol whipped</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>i'm sorry if this is really rushed, i kinda splurged this out onto my laptop in, like, three hours. unedited and a mess, but i hope you enjoy regardless!!</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>       Doyoung was simply who he was without self-loathing or hatred. He knew of the sins he had on his soul, yet he shared them with no one. It would make no sense to try and uselessly bleach a heart drenched in blood, as the smell and stain would linger. The feeling would creep back under his nails again, no matter how many times he prayed for it to go away. Regardless of his own personal feelings towards his crimes, it was his job to commit them, so he would continue to allow to stain to grow deeper and to engrain heavier into his soul. It was, in any case, a solaced attempt to match the already blackened state of his mind.</p><p> </p><p>    That wasn’t to say he didn’t have friends. Like anyone who didn’t truly want to be in the position he was in, he played the best role in the world. A Broadway actor, through and through, embodying a role for a one man play he wrote for himself to portray. The more gummy smiles he showed the less his mind would whisper, and for a while, that was enough, until his phone would ring and his pockets would become heavy with a reward he wasn’t sure was earned properly. Even then, he played his role beautifully, regardless of his rather rusty acting skills and lack of proper consideration towards those who pissed him off royally. His closest friend who knew almost nothing about him was named Taeyong, and in all honesty, Doyoung was surprised they were even friends in the first place. He wouldn’t’ve been if they were simply acquaintances, since Taeyong is friendly with anything that breathes, but to become close with Doyoung is something neither of them were expecting.</p><p> </p><p>    Taeyong wasn’t stupid. He knew people very well, just from looking at them. Just from glancing at Doyoung, anyone could tell there were demons hiding in him, secrets he didn’t want to share. Of course, Taeyong respected that. But he knew that the male needed other friends, more friends, so that maybe one of them could help him share those secrets. It burdens anyone to carry even a seemingly insignificant secret, so Taeyong knew Doyoung needed to share. The secrets that hid behind the younger male’s eyes were dark, and even just staring at them for too long made Taeyong feel so lost, like he was drowning in a frozen black lake, pounding at the top for air.</p><p> </p><p>  The two of them met by chance, due to a missing item. Doyoung had lost something he was incredibly flustered about at a park, and Taeyong had found it. It was random, but when they had met up to return the item, Taeyong felt as if he was leaving a stray dog out on the street, so he asked for the other male’s contact, and they’ve been friends ever since.</p><p> </p><p>  “Johnny,” Taeyong answered the phone. “I was wondering if you wanted to get lunch with a friend of mine and I.” He asked coolly, sipping on his coffee. There was silence on the other end of the line, but Taeyong knew the taller male was there. He always needed time to think things over, but in the end he always said yes to them if teasing and free food was involved.</p><p> </p><p>  “What’s his name?” Johnny finally responded, taking a long drag of his cigarette that Taeyong heard him breathe in deeply and exhale out.</p><p> </p><p>  “Kim Doyoung. He hasn’t exactly said yes, but I also haven’t asked him. He’s a lot like you, never saying no to free food.” Taeyong commented nonchalantly, leaning on his kitchen island as he stared out of his window. It was sort of calming, listening to Johnny take slow, long drags from his cigarette as it polluted the air. A soft chuckled that was so <em>Johnny </em>that it made Taeyong smile.</p><p> </p><p>  “Ok. When and where?”</p><p> </p><p>    The restaurant Taeyong chose wasn’t particularly fancy, nor was it plain, but it was a simple, cute brunch place in an area all three of them could easily meet up. He arrived first, and then Johnny a few minutes later. Doyoung was unsurprisingly late, as he says his work is often unpredictable. He works strange hours, but never divulged much else on the matter. Even when asking what he does for work, all he said was “management”. The door opened, and rushing in came a very frantic Doyoung who immediately apologized for being late.</p><p> </p><p>    “Sorry, I just got done with something at work. You must be Johnny?” He greeted the tallest of the three almost immediately, and Johnny just quipped a brow, smiled, and nodded.</p><p> </p><p>    “What happened at work?” Johnny asked, taking a drink of his iced water, his eyes never leaving Doyoung’s. It made his skin crawl. Swallowing irrational fears, Doyoung answered swiftly.</p><p> </p><p>    “A problem with an employee. It was quickly resolved, though,” The answer was as vague as always, the two of them staring at each other. As if feeling the tension, Taeyong quickly flagged down the server and politely asked if they could order. Even the waitress seemed tense, her eyes flashing quickly past both Doyoung and Johnny, deciding to stick safely with Taeyong’s soft gaze. After reading off what they each wanted to eat, they quickly returned to the same awkward atmosphere. Deciding to dig a little, Doyoung asked, his own eyebrow quipping up in question.</p><p> “What do you do for work, Johnny?”</p><p> </p><p>   “I work for the government. Special operations. I train people.” Another vague answer. Taeyong was wondering where he found friends so similar yet different to one another. He couldn’t understand why Johnny was so immediately hostile towards the youngest of the three, as they had just met. Knitting his eyebrows together in thought, Taeyong chewed on his lip before his head lifted at Doyoung’s voice.</p><p> </p><p>  “How did you two meet?” Another question from Doyoung, now directed at the ever so silent Taeyong. Johnny turned towards Taeyong, giving him the floor to tell the story.</p><p> </p><p>  “Johnny was a security guard before his current governmental position, and he worked for my family and I while my father was still alive. We’re the same age, so we quickly became friends. It was lonely for both of us in a mansion all by ourselves, especially when all Johnny was allowed to do all day was stand and look intimidating.” Taeyong laughed his signature laugh, which sounded like he was wheezing and choking at the same time. It amused the other two members of the brunch party. Doyoung listened intently, a small smile on his face.</p><p> </p><p>   Their food arrived in no time, and the rest of the conversation went smoothly. It was awkward, of course, but the atmosphere was better than what they had begun with. There was a passive aggressiveness to the way Doyoung and Johnny maneuvered around each other when they spoke, as if they were fighting without trying to be exposed. The brunch was more short-lived than Taeyong wanted, but he didn’t want to push either Johnny or Doyoung out of their comfort zone, especially if they despised each other so much. Plus, Doyoung ended up getting a call.</p><p> </p><p>   “Ah, this is my boss. Thank you, Taeyong, and it was a pleasure meeting you, Johnny.” Doyoung said with a slightly more condescending smile than he wanted as he quickly answered for his next assignment. There was a certain level of dread that always filled his heart whenever he got a call such as this, but if he didn’t answer, there would be worse consequences. As he walked out the door, he decided it would be safer for him to take a back alley, in case anyone hears him. It was also a plus it was daytime since he wouldn’t look like a suspicious creep, so he found a spot to lean against the cool shaded concrete of the alley wall. He continued talking on the phone with his superior, nodding as his assignment and parameters were explained to him. He simply stared at the large concrete wall that had clothing lines strung from the tiny windows it held, knowing he would be sent all the information later anyways. Finally hanging up, he sighed heavily before hearing footsteps much too close behind him.</p><p> </p><p>  “Fu—"</p><p> </p><p>   “Seriously, it was so cool! You just <em>whack</em>! And he was out!” Loud, cackling laughter rung in Doyoung’s ear before a more high pitched voice spoke.</p><p> </p><p>   “You really sound like a loser, sucking up when you’re already the favorite, you know that right?” The voice sounded teasing, but there was a hint of malice hidden somewhere deep inside the tone of whomever spoke. A low chuckle sounded from close to where Doyoung was. He knew that laugh. Johnny. Son of a bitch, he knew it. Trying to blink his eyes open, he groaned, and was immediately hit with a sharp pain to the back of his neck as dots swarmed his vision.</p><p> </p><p>  “D—” Doyoung tried to speak but ended up getting choked on his words due to pure nausea from the migraine he was currently suffering, so he decidedly closed his eyes again and spoke once more, “Did you pistol whip me, you colossal asshole?” He bit out angrily as he squirmed, knowingly handcuffed and captured. Instead of the same cackling laugh from behind him that came before, it was a louder, high pitched, witchy laugh that already annoyed Doyoung.</p><p> </p><p>  “Surprised you know that. Has it happened to you before?” Johnny asked slyly, amusement lacing every syllable he spoke.</p><p> </p><p>   “No, but I’ve done it to plenty of people so I know the effects very well. Now I feel like too well. Are the two children you have in the back…” Doyoung took a much needed gulp of air as his head throbbed painfully. “trainees of yours?” He finished, huffing as he pressed his head into what he assumed to be the seat of a car. There was an immediate outcry from the highest pitch of the bunch, who was shocked a person of ‘Doyoung’s status’ was even saying such things to him at all. The other just stayed silent.</p><p> </p><p>  There was a sharp jerk in the car, indicating it had stopped, which just meant more pain for Doyoung to endure as they dragged him into their interrogation room. The door to the car slid open, and Doyoung pressed his eyes further into the seat to avoid the light from hitting his incredibly sensitive eyes. He assumed Johnny grabbed him from how big the hands were, as he was ripped from his seat with a cry and a jolt. His eyes were forcibly opened as he winced with pain, his migraine raging as his head throbbed, large black dots dancing in front of his vision as his eyes felt like they were going to pop. It was no doubt a government building, hidden from plain sight but clearly a place people liked to avoid. Shoving Doyoung into an elevator, he finally got a look at who the two kids were behind him in the back seat. A tanned kid with a cute face and expressive eyes. The other was a kid with a strong jaw and puppy like eyes with rather sharp cheekbones. Doyoung squeezed his eyes shut.</p><p> </p><p>  “You could’ve told me you were going to arrest me, that would’ve been a lot more fun.” He complained, rather outrageously so, to Johnny. He really was in no such position to be joking, especially since they could easily slam his head into a wall and make his migraine ten times worse. Johnny, shockingly, laughed.</p><p> </p><p>   “And chase you around the city for another three months before Taeyong decides to meet up again? Besides, these rookies gotta learn how to get someone from behind.” Johnny grins, making the motion of pistol whipping someone that makes all the hairs on Doyoung’s body stand on edge. The elevator dinged in that moment, which didn’t help his fears, and Johnny tugged him along to an interrogation room where the two rookies disappeared into what he could only assume was the observation room whilst Johnny stayed with him. Doyoung took the seat farthest from the door, placing his handcuffed hands on the top of the table. A manila folder was already pristinely positioned on the table, blank and beckoning the interrogator to start.</p><p> </p><p>  “Kim Dong-Young. You’ve had quite an illustrious career, haven’t you?” Johnny began, opening the folder to show multiple photos of famous politicians, reporters, spokespeople, normal day common folk, and many others clipped together, all of them dead. He splayed them out across the table, according to date. Doyoung’s gaze lingered at the first one for a moment too long before he snapped back up to Johnny, yet said nothing. Johnny continued, pulling out documents and newspaper clippings exposing the people who had died at Doyoung’s hands. Swallowing heavily, Doyoung slowly touched a photograph of a young girl.</p><p> </p><p>  “Don’t put in things you know shouldn’t be in here, just to get my reaction. You already know I did it. I already know you know,” Doyoung glared at the only other man in the room, handing him the photograph which he gladly took. It was a clean, cut and dry confession. Doyoung knew they would get it out of him one way or another, whether or not it was in that interrogation room or in court. They recorded his phone call, there was no doubt about it. “If that’s all you wanted from me, I suppose I should be dawning my prison uniform right about now, shouldn’t I?”</p><p> </p><p>   All Johnny did was shake his head. “We’re offering you a choice. You’re skilled at what you do. The only reason we found you is because you wanted to be found. You left clues. If you want to join me, join what I do in the secret service, you’ll be pardoned from prison time. But I’ll have to watch you twenty-four-seven.” Johnny explained, leaning back in his chair. Doyoung once again squeezed his eyes shut. He didn’t want to, but at the same time he did. It was an opportunity, a chance to escape the horrid life he’d built for himself. He wasn’t sure he was able to do it, though. Every time he opened his eyes, he saw blood on his hands that he couldn’t wash off. It felt so permanent. His mind felt like it never shut off, like a river that could never be dammed up, and it just kept raining and raining. It never seemed to stop raining. Doyoung opened his eyes and stared at his hands for a long time. He expected them to change. Maybe if he had a change of heart he would be given a clean slate and all his sins would be washed away, but the itch creeped back in. It tugged at his nails as he picked desperately at them, pondering an answer to a question that should be easy. Jail, or no jail?</p><p> </p><p>   He doesn’t want to hurt anyone else.</p><p> </p><p>“I’ll do it.” He finally agrees.</p><p> </p><p>   Doyoung’s first proper day, after his evaluation, screening, grace period, and trial run had all been completed, arrived promptly. It seemed Johnny was more excited than Doyoung was. They roomed together, for obvious ‘I’m in charge of you so you don’t run away’ reasons, so Johnny was always the first to greet the other male. In this case, he woke the younger up with a loud airhorn and yells, as well as pancakes. The pancakes barely made up for any of it.</p><p> </p><p>   “What’s on the agenda?” Doyoung murmured through a mouthful of pancake and syrup, looking up at Johnny with his almond eyes. Johnny thought for a moment, sipping at his coffee.</p><p> </p><p>  “We have to meet with the trainees… and then practice sparring and martial arts techniques. What can you do again?” Johnny answers before asking a question of his own.</p><p> </p><p>  “Taekwondo, jujutsu, and krav maga. I also know how to throw knives and am a marksman…” Doyoung responded, taking a long gulp of ice cold water, shivering as it went through his body. Nodding, Johnny mumbled a few words of his own before they got in their own rooms to get dressed and begin their day, leaving their room together and heading down to the training area.</p><p> </p><p>  The two initial trainees he met, Donghyuck and Mark, were the first ones there, already bickering. While Doyoung had a rather strong hatred for the younger of the two at the start, he’s developed a particular fondness towards the boy. The rest of them filed in quickly after. Jaemin, Jeno, Chenle, Renjun, and Jisung. The other five, who hadn’t seen Doyoung before, were a bit shocked to see someone other than Johnny standing in front of them in the room they had been training in for years. It was odd in general, changing instructors so late in their training. They assumed Johnny was going on a mission or something, so they quickly began conversing amongst themselves.</p><p> </p><p>  “Hey! Quiet down, c’mon. Let’s show our guest some manners. Everyone, this is Doyoung. He’s a… transfer, you could say, who is going to help train you all with me. He knows some stuff even I don’t know, so he’s pretty valuable.” Doyoung was shocked by how Johnny introduced him. He expected his introduction to be a lot more curt, but it ended up being more kind, which caused his chest to tighten oddly. Ignoring the feeling, he smiling brightly and greeted the students whom he had learned the names of from Johnny and they began their training for the day</p><p> </p><p>   After the lessons for the day were done, the exhausted instructors trudged upstairs to their room. Their bodies weren’t tired, it was more so their minds. Hugging his sweatshirt closer to his body, Doyoung shivered in the night air as they opened their room door, deciding to close their windows and scour their pantry and fridge for something to eat. Doyoung slumped on the counter.</p><p> </p><p>  “Who knew teaching a bunch of energetic kids was this tiring,” Doyoung laughed softly as he pressed his cheek against the cold granite, wincing slightly. Johnny boiled water on the stove. “Let me do it.” Doyoung quickly took over the impromptu ramen dish, since everything else required too much energy to make. He added the noodles in, cabbage, mushroom, and corn, just to make it more nutritious before serving it up to both himself and Johnny.</p><p> </p><p>   The two of them ate in silence, much too tired to speak. The light was dim, as they were too tired to even have stimulus to their eyes. Lights twinkled outside their window, lights of the city, but they ignored it to softly slurp on their food. It wasn’t an awkward silence, instead it was peaceful. A soft mood hung in the air, making the two of them even drowsier. It seemed almost too quiet, too serene, but that’s what made it so enjoyable. When they were finished, Johnny leaned over Doyoung to take his bowl, bringing them both over to the sink.</p><p> </p><p>   “You did well today,” He praised Doyoung softly, which caused the weird thing to happen to Doyoung’s chest again. “I think they like you. Jeno and Haechan especially.” Johnny finished rinsing the bowls and chopsticks before rejoining Doyoung at the table. “You suit it.” Doyoung just laughed at that, shaking his head, trying to keep his eyes from rolling back due to exhaustion.</p><p> </p><p>   “Thank you, but I’m not sure I do suit it…I’m surprised they’re even letting me near kids their age. Especially Jisung, he’s so young.” Doyoung mused softly, tracing circles into the table. Johnny nodded knowingly. He was shocked at first too, when he was introduced to Doyoung as an assignment. After killing so many people, he assumed maximum security prison would be a one way ticket. But after hearing his story, the fact that Doyoung left the police breadcrumbs, and that if his agency found out he was doing such things he could be killed, Johnny knew Doyoung was a good person. The pistol whipping was a bit harsh, but he had to be on his guard.</p><p> </p><p>     “I know you’d never hurt them. That’s what matters.” Johnny chimes with a smile, rubbing Doyoung’s shoulder reassuringly. Doyoung leaned into the touch, nodding, although there was a hurtful look in his eyes, as if he wanted to cry.</p><p> </p><p>  Doyoung was banging on the icy lake that’s frozen over, yet that lake’s turned into a mirror as all his secrets have been turned against him. He wanted to be punished, to be imprisoned. He didn’t want to be saved, to be treated nicely. For the crimes he committed, in his mind, he deserved to rot. The blood had gone away on his hands when he looked at it, and while that should’ve made him feel better, all it did was make the guilt on his conscience worse. Doyoung stared at his hands for a long time before looking up at Johnny. The glass lake had finally shattered. All his secrets were gone.</p><p> </p><p>   “Are you sure?” He sobbed, tears falling slowly at first before they began to tumble steadily from their source, pouring fiercely down his cheeks, leaving a trail like fire behind them. Johnny simply enveloped the smaller man in a hug, his own eyes cast down. Yes, Johnny was sure, but he knew Doyoung wouldn’t be. He didn’t know why the younger did what he did, and he wasn’t sure he wanted to know. All he knew for sure is that Doyoung didn’t want to do it. Now that he was out of that life, he’s still traumatized by it.</p><p> </p><p>   Johnny held Doyoung for a long time, until Doyoung was too tired to produce any more tears and he embarrassingly said goodnight before trudging away to his bedroom. Johnny did the same, hoping there would be no tension the next morning. The dim light in the house lowered until it was pitch black, and the once soft atmosphere emptied into a regretful, sorrowful one. The night ended with the two falling asleep quickly, their demons at bay for now.</p><p> </p><p>   The morning came quickly, and for Doyoung, he couldn’t help but hit himself. He was foolish to cry like that, especially in front of Johnny, who he should be nothing but grateful towards. Rubbing his puffy eyes, he walked out of his room to Johnny already awake.</p><p> </p><p>   “Why do you always get to be the first one up and I have no time to look presentable?” Doyoung yelled, already mad at the fact he got the immediate disadvantage in the situation. He knew his eyes were still red and his cheeks were puffy from the ramen the night before. He also knew his hair was a mess and he looked like a teenager in his pajamas, so it wasn’t helping his embarrassment at all when all Johnny did was laugh at him. He even had the audacity to set down his drink and clutch the island.</p><p> </p><p>  “That’s your fault!” He choked out between laughs. He was ecstatic the relationship between him and Doyoung hadn’t suddenly gotten awkward or weird since last night. Honestly, he hoped it had gotten better. Johnny’s heart sped up when Doyoung cried, and it almost felt as if a part of him was dying too, which sounded really overdramatic but that’s how it was. He couldn’t stop himself from hugging him. Besides, Doyoung really needed to cry. He hadn’t cried his entire time since he’d been brought to the training center, and since the switch was so immediate, he was probably still in shock. The naturality of it all must’ve scared him. The kindness. Johnny smiled softly at Doyoung, and Doyoung, with his gummy smile, smiled back.</p><p> </p><p>  The days progressed pretty smoothly without incident, besides a few very tiresome nights, all was well. The trainees were beginning to improve steadily under the care of both Johnny and Doyoung’s teachings, and it all seeming to be going so perfect for everyone. Doyoung thought he was in a dream.</p><p> </p><p>   One night, while the two of them were eating dinner, Doyoung got curious. “Why did you decide to become an instructor? I know you were a security guard, but did you ever go out on, like, secret service missions before you taught the trainees?” He asked before biting a potato wedge, looking expectantly at Johnny, who had stopped chewing. They both swallowed and Doyoung waited for the other to speak.</p><p> </p><p>   “Yeah, I went on missions. But, uh, a buddy of mine was killed, so I decided to hang up the badge and just train future agents. He was really close to Mark and I, so… it hit pretty hard. That’s also how Taeyong and I grew closer. Taeyong was also close to him,” Johnny responded quietly, picking at his food. Doyoung suddenly wished he hadn’t asked the question and set down his fork in exchange for his glass of water. His mind was racing a mile a minute, deciding things it shouldn’t be deciding. He hadn’t realized Johnny’s connection to Taeyong ran that deep, and the mere fact that Doyoung still knew things Johnny didn’t made him want to drink the water even more. He hoped it would help out, but he wasn’t sure. “Doyoung, are you ok?” Johnny asked, setting his own fork down as his eyebrows bunched together.</p><p> </p><p>  Doyoung quickly felt his stomach lurch as he grasped his hand to his mouth, shutting his eyes tight. It felt as if the world was trying to come up through his esophagus. His whole body burned in agony as he tried to suppress the sensation, his lungs begging to cough as they stewed in their own misery. Johnny reached a hand out to touch Doyoung’s skin, his touch ice against Doyoung’s feverish one. His concern grew.</p><p> </p><p>   “I think we should take you to the infirmary—”</p><p> </p><p>  He couldn’t help it anymore. Shoving the table away from him, Doyoung quickly ran to the sink to purge his sins. He clutched the sides of the sink until his knuckles turned bone white as he continued to puke out the remnants of his dinner and whatever other meals he had that day. Johnny quickly rushed to his side, calling the resident nurse as Doyoung coughed and coughed, clinging to Johnny’s shirt sleeve, as if he would die if Johnny disappeared. In some cases, he would.</p><p> </p><p>   Doyoung woke up from what felt like his umpteenth nap of the day to Johnny at his side, which surprised him. He sat up quickly from his bed, which caused his head to throb angrily as he winced. Johnny quickly scolded him as his hands shot out to steady the younger of the two, shaking his head.</p><p> </p><p>   “Is training over with for the day?” Doyoung asked. Johnny nodded.</p><p> </p><p>   “It’s Saturday so they get more free time. How’re you feeling?” It was Johnny’s turn to interrogate as he leaned forwards, his elbows resting on his thighs. He stared at Doyoung in contemplation.</p><p> </p><p>   “Better. I just have a headache now.” Doyoung murmured. Johnny nodded again. He needed to cut to the chase.</p><p> </p><p>    “Was Taeyong your target?” Johnny bit out, almost aggressively, so much so that Doyoung flinched, something he wished to God he hadn’t done. His quivering lip and hidden eyes gave him away. He never wanted to actually kill Taeyong. He was always too nice, his eyes too kind. Giving to those who needed it, greeting everyone who passed him by. No one could hated Taeyong. He was like a flower who bloomed only when you gave it proper love and care. If a person didn’t deserve Taeyong, they didn’t get him. Doyoung didn’t deserve Taeyong.</p><p> </p><p>   He hated Johnny even asked that question. He hated the sinking feeling he got in his chest, the weighted guilt he felt in his heart, and the heaviness that came along with it. He hated he was feeling it at all, and that was so amplified. He never thought emotions could hurt this much. But they stung his body, and they burned him alive. Seeing Johnny so painfully upset killed Doyoung in a way that hurt way more than a stupid pistol whip ever could’ve. Almost like bugs crawling on his skin, the itchiness made its way back into his spine, into his fingers. It infiltrated his arms and his neck. He wanted to claw his skin away until there was nothing left but bone, because that’s what he deserved.</p><p> </p><p>  “Yes.” Doyoung answered, his voice strong even though his insides were wilting. Johnny’s fists tightened.</p><p> </p><p>  “Why didn’t you tell me earlier?” He growled. </p><p> </p><p>  “Because I never wanted him to die. I was never going to do it… he was always a long term goal for the agency, that’s why I started to leave breadcrumbs. I never wanted any of them to die. Any of them,” Doyoung whimpered, shakily gulping a breath in as tears once more began to cry. He hated being weak in front of Johnny. “All I can see is red. Everything. It went away… but now it’s back and all I can see is blood. I don’t want anyone to get hurt anymore. I don’t want this anymore. I never wanted to be like this.” Sobs wracked the smaller man’s body, and the anger that once filled Johnny quickly dissipated as he once more shot out to comfort the man. He climbed into Doyoung’s bed, holding him tight as he sobbed, running his hands through his hair.</p><p> </p><p>   “You don’t have to hurt people anymore. You have to let yourself know that. You won’t hurt them anymore. You’re kind, Doyoung. So kind. Kinder than you think, and better with those little shits than I would’ve expected from you. Please, don’t hide anything else from me.” Johnny comforted Doyoung, pleadingly so. Doyoung simply nodded through anything, his ability to talk a bit lost as he continued to cry wet tears.</p><p> </p><p>   When he had finally calmed down, Doyoung drew in a shaky breath, cuddling in closer to Johnny. The taller didn’t reject such movements in the slightest. “Thank you,” He whispered, looking up at Johnny. The older just smiled and pressed a soft kiss to the youngers lips. Doyoung smiled what felt like his first true, genuine smile in his lifetime. “Hey, tell me more about your buddy. The one who died. I want to know more about him.” Doyoung asked softly, snuggling in. Johnny laughed and nodded.</p><p> </p><p>  “Jaehyun? Sure. It’s time I talked about him, anyways.”</p>
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